John S. asked: I have a problem. It’s my Ex-wife. She has always hated cooking but never will admit to it. Her idea of cooking is opening a can of green beans, putting it in the microwave, and “Voila! Bon Apetite!” No seasoning. No recipe. Just good ol’ “PLAIN COOKIN’!” as she likes to call it.
Right…
I come from a long line of good cooks. Some call me pro because I get hired to cook for other people’s parties with the scrumptuous dishes I’ve learned to prepare. Cooking is not that hard. But you have to TRY. You have to take an INTEREST. It does not happen MAGICLY.
So my 13 year old wants to learn how to cook. She lives 1500 miles away with her mother. I don’t get to see her often. When she tries to cook anything, her mother throws a TIZZY, complaining one crumb was left behind.
No.
My daughter is clean. She doesn’t leave a mess. My Ex is worried her daughter may learn how to cook better than her. ANYONE can cook better than my Ex.
I could try to buy my daughter cooking lessons. But my Ex would not drive her to go there. It’s all about control of their schedule and every decent skill or talent I’ve tried to inspire or foster in my children has been undermined by their mother who is horribly insecure and wants to keep those around her completely subordinated and humble. Yes, you are starting to understand why after 10 years with this dibilitating philosopy where anything you attempted would be undermined, was no longer acceptable. I got away. But my poor kids are still there. Thanks judge for denying me custody. BRILLIANT decision!
But my question is one about how to get these children a talented chef to show them how cooking is easy..so they don’t STARVE the way they frequently do because their mother won’t let them cook for fear of disturbing her “immaculate kitchen”. Literally, a social worker reported her for almost starving these children and it was all because of OCD and insecurity over cooking.
Is there such a thing as a homemaker coming into the home to teach children how to cook? It sounds a little off-beat, but actually could be an interesting home business.
My alternative is to drop ship cooking equipment and food inventory to my daughter so she can set up in her own room (she is 13 and wants a Suzy Homemaker Oven for Christmas, she’s been so kept away from basic cooking skills). At 13, she is adult enough to use a regular oven and sink…it’s just getting her past her crazy mother and I think it will take another adult to negotiate that road block.
Where is Mary Poppins when you need her?
Any ideas you have will be appreciated.
Thanks Responders!
As for the counseling option, yes, I tried to get my Ex to go to marriage counseling…she refused…”Only crazy people go to counseling and I’m NOT CRAZY!” was her answer. So I went instead. For 2 years to make sure I wasn’t making the wrong decision to leave. Tremendous consternation over the potential impact of divorce on my children. In the end, I had to separate and SHE declared divorce to grab all the assets she could. Told me for years, it was all about the money for her, in her book and of course she never loved me in the first place. Word! She said these things to me. again and again. People thought me a saint for lasting as long as I did.
We are divorced and living 1500 miles away so the 3 of us going to counseling together is not an option.
I changed laws to make webcamming for supplemental visitaion easier for 1000’s of parents like me. So we webcam weekly, but in person visits are rare and most expensive given the distance.
Today we had our weekly virtual visitation session by webcam. I set up in my kitchen and showed the difference between onions: white, yellow, yellow sweet, red, and shallots. I showed how to dice garlic…asked what they thought would work in marinade for beef, and then prepared breakfast steaks with mushrooms and fried eggs, blindfolded. Simple dish. I had to quit though because they started whining how hungry they were. They are not starved, particularly…just trained on McDonalds Kids Meals and whatever their mother picks up. I’m trying to show them that home-made is better and often show them how to make salads and healthy meals, not as heavy as today’s breakfast. I cook for an elderly person and they were just hungry for a breakfast steak and eggs today which gave rise to my demonstration. Still not as good as in person, though.
Several Responders suggest counseling. I tried this several times with my Ex when we were married. She would go once then quit claiming “Only crazy people go to psychologists and I’M NOT CRAZY!” A clinical psychiatrist diagnosed her with Histrionic (a.k.a.Hysterical) Personality Disorder, always needing attention and drama, acting out in inappropriate ways, trying to placate a deep inner unresolved insecurity perhaps from childhood. This diagnosis fit but my Ex refused to recognize it. I went to therapy for 2 years just to make sure I wasn’t making a mistake if I chose to leave her as it was my kids who were keeping me hanging in there, and she knew it which is why she lied about using birth control on our honeymoon and our first child was born 9 months after we were married. So trust from the beginning was a big issue as she is a compulsive liar and my children are more than aware of this because she feeds them full of ridiculous lies and breaks her promises with abandon.
In the end, the only thing I could do was save myself and hopefully my kids too if I could win them in a custody battle which yes, I tried, and yes, I spent all I had on it. But as long as the children are not being abjectly abused or neglected, judges are MOST reluctant to let the man have custody, at least in this ultra-conservative Republican county where the children reside. So yes, I tried but lost the case, being born male.
As for me potentially putting the children in the middle, no. Believe me I know all about Parental Alienation Syndrome and became the National Marketing Director for a group dedicated to raising awareness about PAS and how to arrest it. Yes, their mother did all she could to alienate my kids from me & it worked on the eldest but I got new legislation passed to make virtual visitation by webcam a legally enforcable option. So this mitigates Ex’s alienation attempts by countering that negative programming with real life proof, Dad’s a good father.
Since originally posting this Question, I have acted on a couple of suggestions. I discovered a cooking program at a local university where they come into your home and teach a 2 hour class for $125 but you can have up to 4 participants. That opens door for mother or friend to participate and looks less like remedial training and more like a social event so Ex may like that as she always wants to be “The Belle of the Ball”, so to speak. Ego issues, you know.
I’ve also posted an on-line ad to recruit a homemaker type to come in and teach meal preparation. If my 13 year old could cook for her 11 year-old brother and herself, that would take load off busy Mom. Maybe cook for whole family of 5 if she develops proficiency.
As for visiting me in person, they live so far away, this is rare. I had to move away because living in same state was nightmare with Ex continually launching malacious prosecution to keep me on the defense. I moved away so as to have SOME sanity & a new life
What am I doing wrong? I try cooking it longer but I don’t want to overcook the outside either.